Dream

To think I dared to dream. I've been living the past few months in dream of bliss and happiness awaiting for me in the future. What more suffering could God have planned for one boy to face? How much more shit can He dish out? They say, the first step to acceptance is being able to talk about it. I have never talked about my mother's passing. You just cant force words out of your mouth. You feel that rush of sadness and you do everything you can to push it back. To defend your happiness. To prevail as a happy child. Though ultimately ending and breaking down somewhere secluded.

Every so often one would come up to me with the ever popular question " Why don't you smile?" and every single time "I don't know" CAN a person smile after being through so much? Can you find anything in this joke of life to smile about? As a result I shirk from the conversation and walk along pretending to be busy when in true fact, something burning inside is killing because you can't talk about it.

No one understands emotions. Some like it, some hate it, some love it. Though when it all boils down, emotions cause nothing but pain and suffering, disappointment and hatred. People die. Lives end. Nothing good comes out of it. I dared to dream a few days back, that suffering of this kind would not apply to one who's already been through so much. Reality hit me. No one is that lucky.

I post depressing posts. I write sad forgettable stories. All this to relieve sadness and depression but to no avail. It's all still with me. Is this all life has to offer? Should we all give in and stop trying? 5 years, a third of my life has been suffering. Maybe even more. But yet I see no finishing line. No pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I guess. All I need. Is someone to understand. Be it a friend or an elder. But no one ever will. For in my heart no one has ever faced such sadness.

Dreams are myths.