I completely edited this post knowing that my rantings have just to pure whining. And the English wasn’t as refined as I hoped for so I screwed it over. Please bear in mind. Im not blogging to tell you how miserable my life is or making a dick measure to see who’s life is worse. I value my life no matter how fucked up it is.
I concluded that this post should contain more about my past and what exactly made me so quiet and pessimistic or rather in modern slang “emo”. To be honest no one likes being emo. Its not a lifestyle choice. It’s a curse. No one likes never smiling. Never seeing the bright side. Always looking to the negatives. I am going to tell you in detail how I became this way.
I revised my old post and decided to make my lifestory in reverse instead of telling you how it all started 4 years ago , Imma start at the very worst point of my depression. Tell me people. Have you ever had a bad dream? Have you ever dreamt of losing someone dear to you? I HAVE indeed lost someone dear to me and that person is in fact my beloved mother. Lately I’ve been having these re-occuring dreams of her passing. Can you remember the first time you’ve ever cried in your sleep. Its second nature to me. My mother was an amazing person and no matter how many flattering words I type it would never do her justice. I miss her dearly and the dreams of her passing seriously burn my soul ; as corny as it sounds its true so back the fuck off.
My depression wasn’t fuelled by the tragic death of my mother alone. Im sure all of you have families. Are your families supportive? Do you love them? Are they always there for you? The understanding loving family you always see in movies? My family. My own family. Will never reach that standard now. Since the passing of my mother ; the only person I truly loved to much I will never smile from the heart without the help of another. You see. Its not as simple as a child ranting about how he got scolded for not doing his homework and such. Its about being in a constant hell where no ones there for you. Shall we go into detail?
My father is one who loves his job and maybe he used to love his family even more. I respect him for being there when my mother had the cancer. But now. Can you imagine needing to barricade yourself in your room while he smashes on it shouting at you? Do you seem that scene in movies often? Can you imagine a 14 year old crying himself to sleep with a father like that? He changed. About 2 years into my mothers passing he found this whore or rather succubus as I dub her. She loves beer , cigarettes and actually had the balls to come into my home. My mothers old room. When I was away. Okay fine. He’s lonely we give him credit for that right? But come on. You find this drunk whore who makes you bitch at me and yet you tell me “ Im meeting a friend” Everytime you stay over at her place for the night. Come the fuck on. In my secondary form 2 I saw my dad every morning and night for 1 hour in total. Sometimes I don’t see him at all. With him in his state I don’t think I even want to look at him.
Well. We’ve extablished how my father changed in his life. Lets take a look at my grandmother who lives with me. Obviously she’s my mother’s mother and I both respect and love her. You all have grandmothers yes? Im sure they love you and spoil you ever so much. When I was at the peak of my depression I once extended my hand to her for help. To think your own grandmother would ignore your cries for help. To add a more ironic twist ; when I got down with stomach ulcers she blamed me for getting them. For keeping everything in. Guess what? Fuck you
By now my image in your eyes would be a pretty spoiled brat with a slightly screwed up past. Well. Good for you. Don’t judge me. Heck your end judgement doesn’t mean much to me anyways. I just want friends to know what I go through. You love your sisters yes? I have a sister and boy do I hate her guts. When my dad turned she manipulated him and pointed all faults at me. Such a sarcastic bitch. You think I would ever forgive whats more forget? Im not one to beat you up nor would I throw you off the cliff. You are family and for that I do not harm you. How I do not harm you is by not talking to you. I see your face and all I see if throwing a knife at you. Don’t test me all the more after I have tried to look away.
