My Life Story

I completely edited this post knowing that my rantings have just to pure whining. And the English wasn’t as refined as I hoped for so I screwed it over. Please bear in mind. Im not blogging to tell you how miserable my life is or making a dick measure to see who’s life is worse. I value my life no matter how fucked up it is.

I concluded that this post should contain more about my past and what exactly made me so quiet and pessimistic or rather in modern slang “emo”. To be honest no one likes being emo. Its not a lifestyle choice. It’s a curse. No one likes never smiling. Never seeing the bright side. Always looking to the negatives. I am going to tell you in detail how I became this way.

I revised my old post and decided to make my lifestory in reverse instead of telling you how it all started 4 years ago , Imma start at the very worst point of my depression. Tell me people. Have you ever had a bad dream? Have you ever dreamt of losing someone dear to you? I HAVE indeed lost someone dear to me and that person is in fact my beloved mother. Lately I’ve been having these re-occuring dreams of her passing. Can you remember the first time you’ve ever cried in your sleep. Its second nature to me. My mother was an amazing person and no matter how many flattering words I type it would never do her justice. I miss her dearly and the dreams of her passing seriously burn my soul ; as corny as it sounds its true so back the fuck off.

My depression wasn’t fuelled by the tragic death of my mother alone. Im sure all of you have families. Are your families supportive? Do you love them? Are they always there for you? The understanding loving family you always see in movies? My family. My own family. Will never reach that standard now. Since the passing of my mother ; the only person I truly loved to much I will never smile from the heart without the help of another. You see. Its not as simple as a child ranting about how he got scolded for not doing his homework and such. Its about being in a constant hell where no ones there for you. Shall we go into detail?

My father is one who loves his job and maybe he used to love his family even more. I respect him for being there when my mother had the cancer. But now. Can you imagine needing to barricade yourself in your room while he smashes on it shouting at you? Do you seem that scene in movies often? Can you imagine a 14 year old crying himself to sleep with a father like that? He changed. About 2 years into my mothers passing he found this whore or rather succubus as I dub her. She loves beer , cigarettes and actually had the balls to come into my home. My mothers old room. When I was away. Okay fine. He’s lonely we give him credit for that right? But come on. You find this drunk whore who makes you bitch at me and yet you tell me “ Im meeting a friend” Everytime you stay over at her place for the night. Come the fuck on. In my secondary form 2 I saw my dad every morning and night for 1 hour in total. Sometimes I don’t see him at all. With him in his state I don’t think I even want to look at him.

Well. We’ve extablished how my father changed in his life. Lets take a look at my grandmother who lives with me. Obviously she’s my mother’s mother and I both respect and love her. You all have grandmothers yes? Im sure they love you and spoil you ever so much. When I was at the peak of my depression I once extended my hand to her for help. To think your own grandmother would ignore your cries for help. To add a more ironic twist ; when I got down with stomach ulcers she blamed me for getting them. For keeping everything in. Guess what? Fuck you

By now my image in your eyes would be a pretty spoiled brat with a slightly screwed up past. Well. Good for you. Don’t judge me. Heck your end judgement doesn’t mean much to me anyways. I just want friends to know what I go through. You love your sisters yes? I have a sister and boy do I hate her guts. When my dad turned she manipulated him and pointed all faults at me. Such a sarcastic bitch. You think I would ever forgive whats more forget? Im not one to beat you up nor would I throw you off the cliff. You are family and for that I do not harm you. How I do not harm you is by not talking to you. I see your face and all I see if throwing a knife at you. Don’t test me all the more after I have tried to look away.

The Hospital

As my Stomach ulcers seemed to worsen day by day I was forced to visit the hospital on Wednesday. According to my doctor I have a fucking bad condition intestine and stomach and it fucking hurts. No shit. To make things worse I had a 38.9 fever with a major migrane and sore throat. As I stumbled my way to the Gastroenterologist I was told to sit down as she was late. After a whole fucking hour sitting with aching bones and a fever she finally showed up. I mean. Youre a fucking doctor get your act straight. The fucking card said 4.30 dont fucking show up at 5.00

We went into a diagnostics room and at that moment I thought I was gonna get raped with injections and stuff. She started tapping my stomach like as do I was a fucking pregnant lady. Her conclusion was that I needed a blood test. I was wheel-chaired down to the blood test lab and a woman was waiting there. I was thinking " Ah a womans touch ! It wasnt gonna hurt that badly yes? A few minutes later she went back in and a reall muscular indian guy came out . He fucking stabbed me with the damn needle. It hurt like a bitch. Like what the fuck I came to get cured not tortured.

As my blood test result came out the Gastroenterologist concluded that I had gastric. WOW big whoop.. you fucking stabbed me to tell me the obvious. I had to come back the following day to get a camera stuffed down my throat to see the condition of my stomach. I got home and fell asleep on my bed due to the horrible fever and migrane.

The following day I was awoken at 7 to be raped in the hospital with a camera. The doctor arrived one fucking hour late as usual and she told me these few re-assuring words " You wont feel anything ". As I sat at the chair she fucking jabbed me and inserted the drip thingy. Seeing you blood flow into a little tube taped to your hand was a fucking bad sight. Its like.. Your life is sapping away. Literally.

They sprayed my throat with a "numbing" solution. Following that the anasthetic was put into my drip to make me sleep. The nurse put a pacifier like tube in my mouth and the doctor inserted the camera. I was fucking awake throughout the procedure and it FUCKING hurt. They stabbed and stabbed and stabbed the fucking camera in while I was held down gagging , in pain and fucking awake. Its like.. wow... numbing.. anasthetic. Nice job asswipes. Then again It was just procedure so I had no complaints.

Following the hell on earth scope procedure I was wheel-chaired to the ultrasound room. I fell asleep on the bed there. You gotta be kidding me.. I was fucking awake throughout hell and fell asleep during the easy part. I was given a mountain of pills and was told to avoid meat , milk and fruits. Like fuck. D'you know how much meat I missed out on?

Yea so I took my shit-load of pills home and thus end this post.

Boredom Clouds Your Judgement

A student in Malaysia has many ups and downs...Being in a boys school in Malaysia is mostly a downwards fall in your social life . Surrounded by asswipes daily with no hope of walking past a girl is really a depressing thought especially with raging hormones. Im no pervert but just think of it. Im only human so dont judge me.

My name is Darren and I am a student in Victoria Institution. It aint the best school in the world heck it might be one of the worst but life goes on and hope still lingers in my heart as I walk into school daily thinking school might end ever so little earlier today. Or better yet. I can finally get the fuck out of this hell hole.

As a student we study and study straining our brains and bursting some blood vessels on the way hoping for a big fat A on your report card but after all that hard work , blood and sweat schools give you one final kick in the nuts with the Gut Wrenching D. The nightmare doesnt end there following a sounding at home with the parents and eventually tuition teachers. Believe it or not the whole idea of my blog isnt to make it look fancy nor to bitch about school. Its merely a place to vent. Its all the deepest thoughts you cant express face to face with a person.

God created humans individually. Each and every single one of them has their own personality. If you were to look at me maybe a lil run into me at a mall at first glance I'd give you the impression I was a spoilt emo rich kid. Yes that may be true to some extent but judging me doesnt help much. After reading most of my shit I hope people understand more about me. I find myself blessed as im not as unfortunate as others in Iraq or maybe Africa but still. The human body is linked to its mind. I am a person with a very clouded mind and one day I hope someone would clear some of my shit up.

I guess I still have time to crap about activities that 0ccurred today . I woke up rubbing my eyes and ruffling my hair forcing myself out of bed. Dragging myself to the bathroom usually taking along some kinda music source cus at the start of every sub zero shower screaming was like routine for me.

As we arrived at my school I limp out of the Kenari dragging myself up the stairs to my classroom filled with bat crap. On your way up we have those classic mamats (You would see filling you up on petrol in the future) trying to hit you with spit. You arrive at a dirt cheap classroom filled with bat shit. Yes. For ones future reference bat crap smells sweet-ish and looks like raisins. Throughout school sessions I would be cursing and swearing teachers and staff to hell and seriously. Try going to a government all boys school one day. Its like.. Imma most prolly end up in ISA or something for ranting about my school so imma end it here but id be more than glad to explain it all to you in the future.

Finally the long awaited end of school came. Greeting my grandmother at home it normally ended in another speech on how dad bitched to her. Guess what. I get it to so Shut the fuck up. Enough about others needs. I know im selfish but fuck it im sick of it. For 4 years Ive been in a personal living hell. I've extended a hand to you of all people for help and even my own grandmother didnt care. Fuck it. Around 6 I'd be eating alone like I've always been since 4 years ago. It sucks but you'll get used to it.


Around 9 you would see that misfit of a father walk into the house slamming on my door bitching about lights being on and such. Honestly. I dont mind parenting but get the fuck out of my room if all you're gonna do is bitch useless shit to me. Most of the time I didnt even do shit. Id rather he get the fuck outta the house to meet his lil whore and drink beer. Fuck that. Its all the more sweeter when he tells me he has to meet "friends". Its like a constant insult to my intelligence.


Around 11 the stomach ulcers are most prolly burning again. Can you imagine a never-ending stomach ache ( Or Period cramps if its easier to visualize ) Just imagine that and double the pain. Its a fucking bitch. It never ends , it burns , you're trapped in your living hell. With my shit-load of pills I head off to sleep. I should list out the pills one day. Itd be fun.