Dream

To think I dared to dream. I've been living the past few months in dream of bliss and happiness awaiting for me in the future. What more suffering could God have planned for one boy to face? How much more shit can He dish out? They say, the first step to acceptance is being able to talk about it. I have never talked about my mother's passing. You just cant force words out of your mouth. You feel that rush of sadness and you do everything you can to push it back. To defend your happiness. To prevail as a happy child. Though ultimately ending and breaking down somewhere secluded.

Every so often one would come up to me with the ever popular question " Why don't you smile?" and every single time "I don't know" CAN a person smile after being through so much? Can you find anything in this joke of life to smile about? As a result I shirk from the conversation and walk along pretending to be busy when in true fact, something burning inside is killing because you can't talk about it.

No one understands emotions. Some like it, some hate it, some love it. Though when it all boils down, emotions cause nothing but pain and suffering, disappointment and hatred. People die. Lives end. Nothing good comes out of it. I dared to dream a few days back, that suffering of this kind would not apply to one who's already been through so much. Reality hit me. No one is that lucky.

I post depressing posts. I write sad forgettable stories. All this to relieve sadness and depression but to no avail. It's all still with me. Is this all life has to offer? Should we all give in and stop trying? 5 years, a third of my life has been suffering. Maybe even more. But yet I see no finishing line. No pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I guess. All I need. Is someone to understand. Be it a friend or an elder. But no one ever will. For in my heart no one has ever faced such sadness.

Dreams are myths.

Pain

I'm sure as hell everyone has had a bad day before.
That morning with the horrible migraine and 5 reports due.
That horrible work night coming home to a nagging wife and crying baby.
Ever wonder why we fall sick. Ever ask God " Why me? "
Well. we've just revealed another piece to my puzzle.

Look over your shoulder. You see that 10 year old smiling happily at you. Playing with his robot or watching television. As a 10 year old kid , I had to see my mother terminally ill. The pain and suffering begun way before that. But I was too young to understand how serious cancer was.

With breast cancer she overcame it with determination to see her children all grown up. To grow old with her husband. To live life to the fullest. But all that ended tragically with brain cancer. I tell you it was not easy seeing your own beloved mother like that. On nights we used to all sit in her room crying thinking it was the last night together. Being a kid. Thinking of losing your mother isn't something you'd want to do. I only had 10 years with her. What wrong did she do to have to endure all that suffering. What wrong has this family done to have to go through so much. Why. Why the hell do we have to suffer.

I was ten when she passed. The first lifeless body I had to see. God gave me 10 years to get close before taking her away from me. I had to see her heart stop beating. I had to cry for nights knowing I'd never see her smile again. I'd never hug her again. I'd never make her cards anymore. I'd never hear her voice again.

Even now. 5 years after she left us. Depression still plagues. Lingers in the shadows. No one understands it. No one would understand me. Let me be. Shunned by society. Walking aimlessly in life.

Understanding

Wondering about stereotypes and the cruel effect it has on mankind I forced myself out of bed to tell the world about it.

Utter the word depression only to picture that grieving housewife with four kids.
Utter stress you imagine a teacher or a white collar job man sitting at his work cubicle.
Utter confusion and you picture that girl in that familiar anime who can't decide which guy to hit on.


To think depression , stress and confusion can all trouble and torment a teen without catching attention of others.
To think no one would take the notion of a depressed teen seriously.
To think peer pressure would be the only thing a teen is troubled with.
To think all people with issues as "emo".
To expect all teens to have both parents.
To think we all live relaxed easy lives.


The world isn't fair. Nope. Not by a far cry.


But enough about the worlds problems. Back to mine.


Remember that one kid who failed at exams? That one kid who cried. That one where the mother comes into the picture to comfort him. I'm not that kid.

Losing my mother at the age of ten. And my father not physically but mentally when I was 11. I was NOT that kid.

I studied hard for my exams. Heck. The goal was clear. Get 5 A's. Lets fast-forward to the day of obtaining the results. You see , In my year out of about 90 students 32 including me achieved good results. Well. Typical ceremony.

Parents gathered around the sides of the stage hoping for their respective children's names to be called out for the 5 A's. Well. Out of that 32. Almost every one of them had their parents there to hug or to celebrate with after getting that one slip that says 5 A's. Well. Remember that one kid without the parents around? That one kid who took his slip and sat down alone. No one to celebrate with. No one to hug. Rejoice with. Laugh with. Well , I'm that kid.

Being that kid is by no means fun. No one understands you. They distance themselves from that peculiar boy. Honestly by now the combination of the air conditioning and cold tears are numbing my fingers. Okay so. We've established yet another reason to depression in my life.

The thing about my situation. There is no one to point fingers at. My mother sure as hell had not planned to get cancer. My father did not intentionally turn into the prick he is now. My grandma would not have been so ignorant if she knew my condition. To think I can't even blame my sister knowing it was her mother too we lost.

Moving on. You know how you're excited about doing things the next day? For example a major competition or some kind of sleepover. It's ironic how I accomplish writing a reason knowing full well I'm not blessed with that feeling. It's THAT feeling along with your love and care for others that get you up in the morning.

Every morning when I get up. I stare at that all to familiar ceiling. Is there any point in getting up? Is there anyone to live for? Is there anything to be excited about? Fuck no. I'd only want to stay in bed all the more considering that horrible stomach ulcers burning a hole through myself by now. Okay. By now you'd be rolling your eyes thinking about how exaggerated this kid makes his life seem. Okay. Lets list down the things you would wake up for.

Family
Friends
Girlfriends
That fun outing
That party

Okay well. From the list. Course its not complete. But take a look at it. I have no family to wake up for. Friends? Because of the way my life has turned It's sad to say but I doubt I have many friends. Girlfriends? Pfft. Who would wake up and go " Im gonna marry into a troubled family today" . Outings and parties all come with friends. But as I've said. What friends?

*Sigh*

To be honest. When you see that one seemingly "emo" kid. Would you even think for a second to approach him and open a conversation? Or would you rather move towards that ever-so-easy-to-talk-to class clown. One glance at me and a conclusion of something like "Spoiled rich kid" Would reach your mind. Well. Fuck that. I only care so much for labels people give me. But its behind that label. That tormented soul. That kid who last smiled when he was 10. It's that kid I want people to see. The whole topic of understanding is just my urge to let everyone know how troubled I am. My mind has gone ahead to create insomnia for me to stay awake thinking of it. Honestly. Would knowledge on a persons past every make you try to understand him more?

Stomach Ulcers

Its been months now since my last post I truly deeply and sincerely apologise. With all this shit in my life I guess I had to deal with some of it before coming to tell the world about it. Once again I apologise for using my poor blog as a medium to rant. Its not a preferable choice but im not one with balls to approach people I want to make friends with and pour my guts out.

In case I have established the stomach ulcer problem. I am fourteen years old with quite severe stomach ulcers if I may add. If you were to describe them I would say it’s the equivalent to the women period pain twofold. At one point I was about to faint in school out of pain.

So. Its basically a sickness where you have ulcers in your stomach ( No shit sherlocks ). Occasionally this would not happen in a kid but I got it under special circumstances of me having depression and stress in my life.
And FYI if you want to compare your life to mine ; please don’t? Im not in a dick measure, Im not in a contest to see who’s life is more screwed up. I just needed a medium to express how I felt.

Okay. Now most of these pills didn’t do shit for me but heck they helped a lil bit and that beat no help at all.

Abdominal Pain – 1 tab
Wind pills – 2 tabs
Digestion – 1 tab
Acid cut-off pills – 1 tab
Gaviscon – 1 spoon/1 tab
More wind pills – 2 big fuck tabs
Stomach relaxant – 1 tab
Antibiotics – 1 tab
Larger antibiotics – 1 tab
Gastric pills – 1 tab
Insomnia pills – 1 tab
Swelling – 1 tab
Nausea – 1 tab

Now that my friends ; is what I took before/after meals during the worst part of my depression and stomach ulcers. No shit it sucked taking them and no shit it hardly had effect. At some points I actually feared for my life if the stomach ulcers were to ever bleed. I think people have a deeper understanding to my stomach ulcer ridden life a little more.